Under construction but worth a read

An extended treatment for a full length feature script.  

                           "THE BLUE MOVIE PRODUCERS"





 A more than slightly blue comedy, extolling the delights, sensual pleasures...and utter madness of making a blue movie. The three central characters are the producer, the director and the writer. They are cheap but loveable hustlers. 

The script is not written, the stars not set and the finance certainly not confirmed.

All they have is enthusiasm and promises - which of course in their fantasy, they believe.

The relationship between this trio is one of a fast-talking, put down cliché-ridden blue humour, stricken occasionally with moments of conscience and hysteria.

The action takes place in seedy alley of strip joints and porn theatres and an exotic mansion set in its own private grounds.

The extended treatment available is a preamble to a full-length motion picture screenplay illustrating the content, dialogue, characters, and situations.

Think Mel Brooks in "The Producers" and "Dumber and Dumber"

The author also wishes to state that this screenplay will in no way be pornographic. Risqué possibly, nudity certainly, but most of all it will be humorous.


BROUGHY:    An ambitious whiz-kid, about 20 years old, fast talking, fast thinking, obviously going places as long as he can stay this side of the law. He's the Producer. He wears the suit.

ALEC: The Director. A slightly bewildered but creative person living only for the movie industry. Has directed a few home movies and puppet shows. To direct this one could make his name, ruin the family name and get him run out of town.

CLINT: The Writer, also very much the "ladies" man. Rather prone to hysteria and paranoia. His manners are disgusting as is his imagination. Work and the ladies, preferably half naked, are all that he cares about.

ZAKUSKI: A bizarre figure, certainly has money but usually somebody else's. Exotic in frocks and friends. Has spent a certain amount of his life in prison, and is now intent only on the good life. In terror of his wife and mother in law…and kids!

JACK: Wannabe stud actor, vain, gloriously handsome and knows it. Works as an acting foil or partner for the auditioning girls. Has a problem keeping his trousers on.   

PAUL DE BONE: A casting agent who is in deeply love with Alec. Helps by sending down beautiful but very weird girls for the audition.

LESLIE: Zakuski's lesbian secretary who assists at the audition, a tall aggressive girl, quite beautiful, but with a chip on her shoulder. Intent on being a star in their movie. Nicknamed "Les".

OTHER CHARACTERS: Mostly beautiful girls, village low life's and horny dwarfs.

It's a simple story.

Our three jack the lads check out the content of the local porn cinemas and decide that they can do better...whilst waiting on the big phone call from Hollywood.

Locked in with Mafia financier...one Zen Zakuski who sets them up in his empty mansion …the wife and kids are on holidays…the three lads attempt to create their classic masterpiece. "THE ROMANTIC CONFRONTATIONS OF HISTORY"…or?

They begin with a series of auditions with beautiful women. With the girls changing into the Zakuski's wife's extravagant and exotic costumes, our blue movie producers attempt a little voyeurism, they check out the changing room through the keyhole and a little later they discover Zakuski's personal one-way mirror.

The auditions/casting scenes are played with Jack acting ... badly ... he's the male lead playing against whatever character and confrontation the girls are costumed for.


Adam and Eve   Romeo and Juliet    Napoleon and Josephine          

Batman and Robin               Bonny and Clyde

Captain Smith and Pocahontas          Superman and Lois Lane        

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs    Beauty and the Beast    

Tarzan and Jane                  Porgy and Bess

Goldilocks and the Three Bears         Peter Pan and Wendy       

Caesar and Cleopatra       Samson and Delilah     

King Kong and Fay Ray       Popeye and Olive Oil

Hitler and Eva Braun      Red Riding Hood and Wolf     

Robinson Crusoe and Girl Friday      Cinderella and Ugly Sisters  

Lady Chatterly and the Game Keeper.    Cleopatra and Julius Caesar

Chaos and confusion rains on their parade of gorgeous girls...and historical situations. 

Leslie the dyke bodybuilder gets to flex her more than adequate muscles, the local tradesmen check out the action, the prissy next door neirbour sets off the vicar, who is more than interested, the dumb village cop is put on the payroll and the Mafia come a visiting just as Zakuski's crazy family arrive.

Oblivious to all these dark clouds approaching the three lads stumble through the series of casting auditions and set up for a party to end all parties.

This of course requires all the auditioning girls to get back into costume at which time all hell breaks loose as the police, the Mafia, Zukuski's family and a bus load of lost dwarfs arrive for the final climax...excuse the pun!

Actually its all been a wet dream as our three lads wake up in the downtown blue movie picture house where we started this story. 


Draped over each other they are awakened by the tried and true method of cleaning a porn cinema, which is to hose the place down.

We fade out on Les the dike girl and the Little People acting out their outrageous blue version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.


                                         PETER SHILLINGFORD





0208 940 4507

077 866 42171




Other auditions content could be Contortionists, Belly Dancers, Body painting, Food wrestling, Body piecing and demonstrations of sex aids and exotic bondage costumes.

Applications of nipple clamps, chastity belts, handcuffs, plastic sex dolls.

Lap dancing lessons, profession strippers teaching the lady's how.

Demonstration of the Karma Sutra positions, rugby songs, women body builders, strip poker, women's boxing, phone sex, black magic.